Thinking about reputation

by

It's raining outside and I'm over my laptop on the bed, sipping Earl Gray and watching old re-runs of Sex and the City. Sounds cliche, I know, but today I'm in that kind of mood. It's a bit chilly and sleepy, so my sheets are the most comfy thing around here.

It's these kind of days that I drift in my mind the most- since I'm in bed I slept most of the time and got a lot of time to reminisce some events that happened lately, also remember some old faces and such. Things are going so strange in the past few weeks- I met my friend in the morning and we both agreed this is the most weird and unplanned summer by far. People have been acting unexpectedly and everything that has occurred lately is simply... Strange? It's not the best word but it'll do. 
You can't even blame it on the heat since there isn't any- matter of fact it's cold most of the time. 
Anyway, today I was most concerned on reputation and how it affects you.

Famous people said it's better to look after your character rather than your reputation. YES, I agree. Character is what you need to build first. It's what makes you- you. But after you've become a whole person, you need to stop and look the whole picture. Look and understand why some things are just bad.

 I'd define my past as a period of three parts: first is the seven years of middle school, second is the eight (and last) of middle school plus first and second year of high school, and last, third part is third (and also fourth) grade of high school. 
Now, I can barely remember most of the first part, cause in middle school I wasn't really myself, no one was- we were developing so that part isn't really interesting today. Then comes the second part - we felt grown up and older (even though we actually weren't and we were bigger babies than ever) so we all acted out and did stupid sh***. That's the part that I'm afraid of because I met a lot of people in that period, and we all remember each other from that time,  but the thing is, when you're done with second grade, you change and something inside you changes- you stop being that little prick that thought he has defined space and time. 
Thing with reputation is the same- once someone perceives you as dominant, submissive, hard, easy, slutty or conservative- they have their opinion of you and it's not likely it'll ever change. Even if you  say that your opinion on one person has altered, somewhere deep inside you you'll always have something pulling you back to your first imprint. Reputation is something that follows you- and it's something that one person thought about you, shared to others and they welcomed it and agreed upon it. Then it starts whirling around to people who haven't even met you and then you have it- a picture about you that everyone else sees, but not you. Because that's something no one will ever say to your face- you won't ever find out what somebody else said about you. Once you've had your reputation formed, it's so hard and time consuming to change it. 

I'm looking at my friends- some grown up and others still childish. The latter ones are the ones I'm afraid for. If you get your reputation in the second part (first two years of high school), you can change it, there's still two more years of school and that part of your life, and you can blame it on your inexperience or just simple child-like stupidity. I think everyone knows what I'm talking about- no matter if you've been marked as dumbass, bitchy or easy, you can still make it better.
The problem here is when you're in third grade or even fourth, you're 18 going on 19 and you still don't see that your action and reckless behaviour mark you long distance. We live in a day and age where we're all connected and everyone knows everyone. I've gotten steady and calmed myself for quite a long time now, found other interests rather than going out and guy-fishing, and it hurts me when I see others who haven't. It may be fun, it may be alluring- but we're too old to kiss each other randomly and hope no one will judge us- because they will. Being popular and wanted is such an ego-booster and once you've gotten a high from it it's hard to stop.
But while you're high on the attention, you are too blind to see that there are people around you who perceive your actions from a different angle. Not everyone sees you as you see yourself, so most of time (unfortunately), people will make their image of you by they way they saw and perceived your behaviour. In example, you have a douche boyfriend and you break up with him to be with some other, people will only see a girl breaking up with her boyfriend to be with some other- no one cares if you were sad or how great the next boy is- all they see are facts and all they have is their own explanation.
And that's how reputation is made.

I'm the first to say- don't care about what other think and do what makes you happy- but it has it's limits and sometimes it's too dangerous to say it. Because, maybe it will make you happy to sleep with a stranger or do drugs- but, and I say this as general advice to those who need it- look at your actions at long distance and weigh if they're worth it- the hot guy you want to sleep with wont call tomorrow,  and you'll have the worst week of hangovers after doing drugs. Sometimes it just isn't worth it.
We all have our regrets- drunken kisses, night spent above the toilet, failed romances- as much as they make us who we are, they make our images. You can say to yourself- I won't be affected by this, or I'll just forget about it- but someone who just met you or knows you shallow won't. Next time the see you, they'll remember you by the only thing they have of you- some unfortunate scene from a club or how you puked at their house.

 This is a long and tiresome text, I know, but it's something I've really been dealing with this past few days. It's so hard to show someone how their actions are affecting them- someone who's doing what they think is best, is actually doing himself the worst- now try to break that false image of themselves and disappoint them in themselves. It's and endless loop- do thing, get reputation, not be aware of that reputation, go on doing your things and be in complete oblivion.

To conclude, what's worst with bad reputation and how it can have it's hold on you- 
You did something stupid, maybe a few times, regretted it and moved on. You've changed. You did all those small amazing things. Then you meet someone who you've known from before. And they have their image of you from before. You can't explain someone you've changed, or how good you've been to your friends. You have your bad-rep sticker on you and it's going with you everywhere you go. Imagine going to work one day only to find people from your past working with you- it can be bad and it can be good- so make sure you set your name straight while you can- people can be harsh and cruel, and it's yourself you need to respect and make good decisions for. Respect is built first by yourself, and the you make sure everyone else has it towards you, too.